Not willing to call it

March 9, 2010

Sorry but I couldn’t bring myself to write recently, I think I have just retreated into my shell a bit and feel generally despondent.  Plus I went to London for a week to visit my two sisters which was a nice way to run away from it all.   Anyway, head back out of sand, and here I am again.  About an hour ago I got back from a visit to my Consultant who scanned me with a view to establishing whether or not we have a viable pregnancy.  Last time round he could see a yolk sac and not much else.  This time he has dated me at 6 weeks 3 days and says although there is no sign of a heart beat or blood flow he is unwilling to call it.  I have another scan next week and after that it may be a d&c, spontaneous miscarriage……..or viable pregnancy.  The thing is, I know my dates are right so I think it’s curtains…………

Ah fuck it, I’m not in the mood to write.

More upbeat

February 26, 2010

I’m feeling a little better today.  I have a wonderful correspondent here who really helps me out, Gail you know who you are!  It’s funny the way a problem shared is a problem halved, but it is true and feeling your support has made me feel a whole lot better.  Part of the problem with a miscarriage is the secrecy of it all.  Nobody knows you are pregnant so nobody commiserate with you or gives you a break from a hectic day.  So often these past few days when a customer or friend has said “how are you”, I’ve wanted to answer truthfully and say “not so good actually”.  Saying that, the fact that you have to get up and carry on is a good thing too, keeps you sane….kind of!  So now I am in waiting mode, waiting for a miscarriage to happen, waiting  for a scan to say it is all over and of course secretly praying that maybe, just maybe a little heart will beat and that it is all a mistake.  I am not building myself any false hope though, I’m pretty sure where this is going.  Yesterday was a bad day.  I was in foul humour and feeling really angry inside.  I was a bit cruel to N too, which I feel bad about, but I was not too bad and I am prepared to forgive myself because we both know a lot of the stress and difficulty of this is on me.  Anyway, I have a dream man who is both my best friend and biggest supporter and never ever lets me feel guilty or stupid about this.  I know I am lucky in many ways……….all the same I want a baby God!  N has insisted I book a flight to London to see my sisters, two of them live there so I can have a nice time getting babied and minded for a week.  At first I was like no no, but then I though, why not, I need a change of scene and a little sister love.  My appointment for the next scan is March 9th so I was worried about a miscarriage before then but if it happens it happens.  I want to get it out-of-the-way so that I can start again.  I still have some fight in me yet!

I need help here

February 24, 2010

I am absolutely losing my marbles here, it looks like my little baby is not going to make it.  I cannot believe it.  Yesterday at the scan they could only see a yolk sac and nothing else.  What the fuck, why is this happening to me?  I am so sick and tired and reeling from the pain of it all.  Why were all those women in the waiting room pregnant and happy and I’m going to have no baby again.  Why why why.  I cannot bear this.  Why is God doing this to me.  Or whoever, or whatever.  I am so sick of all these drugs, my boobs are killing me, I get injections, I insert this disgusting gel crap, I have mechanical sex, and for what, nothing.  I feel so sorry for myself.  I cannot stand the idea of going to work, seeing all my happy pregnant customers, whingeing their ungrateful asses off.  I could rip their fucking heads off.  Fuck off you ungrateful bitches, I hate you.  I hate me, and I hate my miserable life.  I hate calendars, I have studied days and weeks and cycles every single day for going on three years now.  And now I have to wait again, wait for a miscarriage, wait for a new cycle, wait for a chance to have sex ten times in a fortnight.  Who needs this, who needs this crap life.

Mixed emotions

February 20, 2010

I have so many mixed emotions that my general day to day has become a relative rollercoaster.  Twice yesterday I felt so angry that I thought my head would pop off.  I’m not saying the reasons for my anger were trivial, but my temper was just about ready to be lost in a serious way.  Working for eleven straight hours didn’t help and not getting a chance to eat at the right time was stressing me out too.  I am so determined to care for my little baby and eat regularly and healthily. I’m actually even nervous about using a pc, or eating anything sweet, or fizzy or God forbid….caffeine!  Most of the time I am good but I sneak the odd cup of joe!  I am labouring under a lot of guilt too………I feel almost guilty that I am finally pregnant and some of my friends are not.  It is so unfair. 

Another emotion I can toss into the mix is fear, I am incredibly nervous about Tuesdays scan.  I have yet to see a picture or hear a heartbeat .  I am afraid that something will be wrong, or go wrong.  I think I would go crazy if something bad happened.  In fact I cannot even let my mind go there.  So, I have the scan on Tuesday with Dr.Egan.  Please  wish with everything you have that it goes well.

Poor Ireland

February 15, 2010

I just watched Ireland get hammered by France in the start of the Six Nations Championship!  Oh no!  I worked all day in the cafe and we were hammered there too, it was soooooo busy.  I’m wrecked!  Every bone in my body aches and I have to face another day tomorrow.   Saying that, it is fantastic that we are so busy with a queue out the door quite a few times today.  I cannot tell you what a relief that is. N and I did absolutely nothing for Valentines Day, for which I care….not a jot! Honestly we have both barely left the cafe, drive in and out of work together and both crash on the couch when we get in at night. What can I say, we are a disaster on the romance front! My idea of fun at the moment is watching the Winter Olympics in Vancouver, I’ve become an expert at the luge, alpine skiing, figure skating, and ski jumping. It is fair to say I am most mens fantasy, I love to watch sports, any sports (although I think curling is a bit daft!!)   Sadly Ireland has no real medal hopefuls in the Winter Olympics, I mean with only two inches of snow every second year what hope have we!

Nervous and cautious

February 11, 2010

I am sooooooo happy to have gotten over that  – get pregnant hump, and feel like I ought to be full on delerious…..but I am not quite able to believe it will happen and I’m scared out of my socks.  Like, all the time.  Every time I go to the loo,  I check.  Every time I feel a twinge, I worry.  Every time I take a bite of food, I am thinking, is this safe, have I cooked it properly, will I get salmonella!  I worry that I have had a stomach ache, I worry that I don’t have morning sickness, I worry that my boobs aren’t sore enough, I worry that I don’t feel pregnant, I worry about working too hard, I worry about falling, slipping, being in a car crash, eating too little, eating too much, being stressed, I just seem to worry about everything and anything, all of the time.  And thats before I get into all the deep, dark worries that I have about birth defects, downs syndrome, cleft palate, birth marks and everything else I am afraid of.  Intellectually I know these are normal worries but emotionally I cannot help but to torture myself.  I am just terrified that something will go wrong and that my happiness will evaporate.  And I know that it is selfish and a bit spoilt to say this to you, because six weeks ago I would have given anything to feel worried about these things.  Please God, whoever you are, wherever you are, please please please give me a safe pregnancy and a baby to care for.

Ok, the next post will be normal and will have actual, real live news…..no……….yes!

Big news

February 5, 2010

Well, the thing is……..I’m pregnant!  I’ve known since Friday and I am still gobsmacked. I cannot believe the day has finally arrived and that I am over the first hurdle.  In fact my head is still spinning and I’m pinching myself trying to come to terms with the fact that my dream has come true  – again…..I have a bun in the oven!  And guess what, we did it ourselves,  no drugs (remember that drama), no scans, no clinic, no needles, just N and I and a lot of lovin!  And here’s exactly what we did…….we had sex every second day from day 7……so, day 7, 9, 11 and day 13.  Then on day 14 we got a positive opk in the morning do we had sex at 7pm that evening, and again the following evening at 7pm.  So that was day 7, 9, 11,13,14,and 15. I think I probably ovulated on cd 15.  I did the pregnancy test on cd 28 and the two lines appeared absolutely straight away, my heart was racing and my hands were shaking, I called N into the loo and we were jumping up and down with me crying and him hugging me – it was super cute.  I love my man sooooo much!

On Tuesday this week I had a prearranged appointment with our Consultant to review our case and maybe to talk about IVF.  My plan was to say that we wanted to try drug therapy for another 3 months and then maybe IVF (which they were kinda pushing).  Anyway, in we go and I told her I was actually pregnant, and our Consultant (well my normal Consultant is on maternity leave so this was my first time with this lady) was decidedly underwhelmed!  She was extremely serious and sober, said she was quite concerned about my thin endometrium, and  my previous miscarriage.  She said she wanted to check my hCG levels, took blood there and then and planned to take blood again on Thursday to see if my hCG  numbers were doubling.  I honestly understand that it is not this womans job to make me feel good but she scared the crap out of me, and I am already very very nervous.  In fact I have been sleeping really badly for the past three weeks and I am totally exhausted.  The  good news is, my numbers are good, 1040 on Tuesday and 2186 on Thursday (thank God).    I am booked in for a scan on the 24th of February which is the next big milestone.  I am very nervous about that too, because the last time I was pregnant, well a scan revealed what no woman wants to see.  I am begging God and anybody else who can help to keep me and my baby safe.

So thats the news, I am pregnant and I am over the moon and I am scared witless.

All work and no play makes J a dull girl (but a relieved one too)

January 29, 2010

The business is actually going quite well lately.  In October/November ’09 we seriously seriously considered folding the whole thing up and starting fresh.  That said, the fact was, we could not afford to.  Our only option was to try to trade out of the mess we were in and make our business work.  My God but there have been dark days.  We have sunk everything we own into our cafe and managed to open up just about at the same time as the floor fell out of the economy.  Things got so bad here in  Ireland that the bank withdrew half of our finance just about at the completion stage of our renovation.  Result, N and I put everything we had including what we didn’t have just to get the doors open.  Cue personal debt on credit cards and person loans like I have never had in my life!  We were so far into the project that there was actually no way back. 

So, where are we now……well we have managed to pay off almost all the opening debt….all building costs, fixtures and fittings etc. We have paid off literally hundreds of bills and owe none of our suppliers anything outside of 28 days.  And finally we are clawing our way through our own messy finances too, mortgage repayments back from €7,500 in arrears to €1,500 and working on €20k worth of a term loan to cover credit cards.  Yes, we did whatever we could to open the café and now we are working our arses off to pay back every penny of  it.  This has meant working mainly seven day weeks, no Christmas presents or birthday presents for two years now and no holidays whatsoever.  And you know what, working down that debt is a bigger thrill than any gifts or material stuff any day.  I am soooooo determined to get it off our backs that I am willing to work my fingers to the bone.  Besides, I’ve had fantastic stuff and great holidays, and whenever it is possible again there will be more treats (not interested in the same way anymore though – lessons have been learned).  For now, budgeting is the new high.  The only downside is that infertility stuff costs a bomb and that worries the hell outta me (N says, fear not, we will do whatever it takes). 

So, Christmas trading was good and January is continuing to be busy and we are getting really good feedback from our customers.  Our staff are pretty good too, all the training and our constant presence is really making a difference.  We have three guys and five girls plus N and I.  The team are good fun and very responsive and N and I are much more relaxed.  We both remember those dark days of me bawling my eyes out from all the pressure and both of us hardly sleeping from all the worry.  We have dealt with threatened legal action, threatened repossession, abusive phone calls and anything else that goes with  – pay me back my f**king money now!!  I don’t bear grudges though (except to greedy bankers) everybody was under pressure and people need to be paid. But the pressure  – Oh My God the pressure, I will never ever forget the pressure we were under.

So, all in all things are looking sunnier and with a little luck and lots of hard work I feel like we will get there in the end.

I look old today

January 27, 2010

Today I looked in the mirror and I look old.  I have bags under my eyes and I look tired.  I never sleep well at this stage of my cycle, I’m counting the days now and I am getting more and more stressed as each day goes by…..please God, please please please, let me be pregnant.  I’m on CD 26 now and counting!  The looking old bit made me a little depressed right at the start of the day.  I was brushing my teeth and it just struck me, quickly followed by the thought that I am too old to have a baby.  That thought has stayed with me all day and I have a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach since.  I can actually feel my anxiety levels start to rise as each day goes by and even though I try t be positive (and definitely put on a good front!) I feel quite down and lonely about it.  Ah well……..maybe this month eh?!

So, does anybody else have a cervical mucus obsession????  I’ve never before taken such an interest in my knickers, it’s bizarre!  You gotta laugh eh?!

And another question, around the time you are ovulating, say five days before….do you have sex every second day or every day??? Our clinic says every second day as sperm needs time to regenerate, but 48 hours, is that not a bit much……I’m confused and can’t help feeling more action equals a better chance?

Same ole same ole (but bizzarrely feeling a little optomistic!

January 22, 2010

Well I have been out of commission for simply ages!  Our router was broken (took a looooonnnng time for that diagnosis) and between the jigs and the reels with the IT people and the wireless people, I have been left stranded sans blog!  Anyway, I am back, and boy oh boy do I have absolutely no news on the baby front!  Well ok, thats not strictly true……I had an appointment with the clinic on day 4 of my cycle because they wanted to check out a big follicle that I had on my left side which was not going away.  They suspected it was an empty follicle/cyst and as such was not going to interfere with my drugs therapy.  Just to be safe they took some bloods to check out my estrogen levels (I think, sometimes I get bamboozled!) and said they would call me to give me the go ahead to take menupor as expected.  So there I am, happy out, feeling quite buzzy about the whole thing and I get the expected call at work from the clinic, and heres how it goes…..

Clinic Nurse: (sugary voice, speaking quite low)  Hello Judith, we just got your bloods back and I am afraid you will not be able to go ahead with your injection today as your hormone levels are higher than expected and this indicates it may not be an empty follicle.

Me: Total silence

Nurse: Hello Judith….

Me:…….ok…..

Nurse: I know you must be disappointed, but the safest thing is to hold off

Me:…ok…..

Nurse: You can still try yourselves as normal this month

Me:…..ok

So, I bet you think I was sad and therefore couldn’t talk….right….Wrong!  I was mad.  I was so angry I couldn’t speak.  I was thinking, what the fuck are you fucking talking about.  Give me the fucking drugs now!  I’m taking the drugs!  I have some of the injections left at home and I am goddamn well taking them.  And by the way, you do not know how I feel.  Now fuck off!

How bad is that?  To be fair this girl was actually quite nice and if you were normal probably not actually condescending.  On a rational level I know it has nothing to do with her, but I had this almost uncontrollable rage and I wanted to just bawl her out!  This is the kind of fit that has them ask you to leave treatment!

This whole infertility lark is designed to drive you crazy. And as if that wasn’t enough to do me in…………………..we are getting lots and lots of mothers & babies into the café at the moment.  I mean, the cutest babies with the kinds of faces that you see in magazines.  There has been a run of beautiful babies born in Galway lately!  This is not fair people.

Anyway, in an effort to sound less looney and half way normal I can tell you that I recovered from said silent fit and my husband and I went at it like crazy this month and as far as I am aware I ovulated on day 14, so, as usual I am optimistic regardless of drug free month!  Hope springs eternal!